I Need to Remember This

Sometimes I forget.  This reminds me.

When I Get Some Free Time to Read...

...I know I can find helpful encouragement here.  I'm looking forward to that free time.  :)

Nearly Five Years Ago

While going through some old emails today, I discovered some written nearly five years ago by my sister-in-law and my brother.  They caught my attention as I read them today because they concerned my mother's progression into Alzheimer's.  Five years has made a big difference, with small, day-by-day changes that are not always noticed.  And then suddenly, you read an email from five years ago and realize just how much has been lost in those years.  Sobering.


Here are some excerpts from the emails.


My sister-in-law wrote on November 12, 2007, after my parents had visited them...
I have to tell you though, you know how Dad is always worrying about Mom having Alzheimer's?  Well, I noticed BIG TIME that she was telling me the same stories literally over and over and over again.  She must have told us at least half a dozen times that the new roof cost 13K and made Dad tell us over and over, and you could tell it greatly pained him.  And, she told me the same story about your sister several times... and this is after we had had discussion at great length about the subject.  Then, she turned around only a few short hours later and proceded to have the exact same discussion with me with the same gusto as she did the first time around and I could tell she had no idea we had talked about it before.  I think this is the first weekend that I have ever really sat up and said... "hmmmm.... maybe there is something to what Dad is worried about!"  I didn't say anything to her, of course, because I didn't want her to be upset or anything.  Maybe it was so shocking to me because we don't see her all the time.  Have you noticed her forgetfulness being more prevalent?


In response, I wrote this...

About Mom's memory...throughout the past 4 years, ever since they visited us in Israel in the fall of 2003, I have had moments here and there of being shocked by her memory loss.  That visit to us in Israel was the first big time when I could hardly believe how much she had gone downhill, and of course I shed tears and was quite emotional about it (only with my husband--not with Mom or Dad).  Since we've moved here, for the most part, I have felt like she's actually doing fine--holding steady with her memory--not improving, but not losing it too fast.  I hardly know whether it's safe to say that I've noticed her losing it a lot more recently or not.  What I do realize is that she definitely has memory problems.  But so do a lot of other older women I know...and honestly, so does Dad.  I can't even count how many times he has told me the same story, and I stand there patiently but internally think, "I know this, Dad.  I've heard it half a dozen times already!"  :)

 

With that said, I can completely understand how she may have come across to you.  I know she repeats herself A LOT.  And I know that she compensates for her lack of memory by writing EVERYTHING down.  When she's at my house and I want her to remember something until she gets down to her house, I've learned that I have to pull out a piece of paper and write it down for her, or she will forget it.  I guess that's become second nature for me to do that with her.  And really, it's probably become second nature for me to hear her tell the same things over and over...and maybe even tune that out a little.  Or sometimes I can stop her and say, "Yeah, you told me about that!" and deflect the conversation that way.

 

I guess what I come back to is that Mom and Dad are doing all they can to help maintain her memory--and they've done that for years.  There's really nothing else to do at this point to help her.  But as I stare into the future, I am fairly certain that eventually her memory will get much worse and we'll travel down that hard path with her.  Whenever Dad brings it up with me, I try to reassure him that God knows the path that is laid out for her, and we are here to help, etc.  What else is there to say?

 

Anyway, I really appreciate your input because you have a different perspective since you don't see her all the time.  Like I said before, there are times when I do what you did and sit up and take notice of the fact that there really is a memory problem.  But most of the time, we just adapt and live with it.

 

Oh, another thing...I find myself being protective with her in new or different situations.  For example, if we're in a restaurant that is a little unfamiliar or if we're sitting in a place that's not visible from the bathroom, I'll often go with her to the bathroom to make sure that she can find her way back to our table again.  I obviously don't tell her that I'm doing that!  :)  And most of the time, she probably doesn't even need that.  But I do find myself watching out for her in different ways and being protective.  When we're in conversation with other people, I try to jump in --sensitively--to help her when she forgets what she wants to say.  Anyway...it's an interesting journey!

And then my brother wrote this...

Thanks for taking such good care of Mom and Dad.  My wife and I really appreciate it.  At some time, there probably will be a time when we will need to pitch in a little more with the care.  It will be tough from a distance, but we'll do as much as we can. 

A few days later, my sister-in-law added this to the conversation...

We cannot tell you enough how THANKFUL we are that you are right there to help out Mom & Dad.  We'll just all have to go on knowing that both she and her memory are in God's hands!

Yes.  That's all we can do.  Even though those words were written nearly five years ago, they're still just as true today.  I'm grateful for His strong hands to guide us as we continue this walk into shadows.

Quote I'm Pondering

Being a grownup means assuming responsibility for yourself, for your children, and--here's the big curve--for your parents.

~ Wendy Wasserstein ~

What do I do when what seems best for me, or for my husband, or for our children does NOT seem best for my parents? How do I balance it all?

There Are Advantages

When I think of Alzheimer's, my mind is bombarded with the difficulties of this long, slow, painful journey we've been forced to embark upon. But there is another side to it, and I want to make note of that today.

My parents spend a lot of time with my family, so they see us, not just when all our clothes match and our teeth have been brushed and we've put on our happy faces, but also when we're scrubby and grumpy. Sometimes things will happen that I'll wish had not occurred--I'll speak to my mother with a bit of impatience, for example--and later I'll feel very badly about it. But my husband is quick to console me with a "she probably won't remember it anyway!" comment, and that does bring a tiny portion of solace to my heart. I hope that somehow, the ugliness of life will fade from her memory, and only the beautiful portions remain.

Another thing I've noticed about Mother is that she'll often make sweeping statements, particularly about the food we eat. Since they eat nearly every evening meal with us, she gets to sample all of my cooking; but the wonderful thing about that is how appreciative she is. It's a rare night in which she doesn't say at least once, "Thank you so much for supper; it was delicious!" And more and more often these days, she'll include comments like, "That chicken your husband grilled was the best grilled chicken I've ever had!" or "That potato casserole you made had the best flavor!" I smile, say "thank you," but in my head, I question, "Really, Mother? Out of all the years of your life and the MANY times you've had grilled chicken, this was the best? And are you sure this potato casserole was any tastier than other ones I've made--or you yourself have made, for that matter?"

Oh, well, I guess I'll just be grateful for the little things, the unexpected advantages of dealing with such a horrible disease. Are there advantages?! Yes! Like the fact that, as her memory decreases, she really does think she's never had a salad so scrumptious as the one I made for our supper. As I laugh a little to myself, I'll try to simply say, "I'm so glad you liked it." :)

All Eight

While reading news articles online today, I happened to see an article about 8 symptoms of Alzheimer's. Of course, anything with "Alzheimer's" in the title catches my attention, so I immediately clicked over and started reading. I read the first symptom--and thought, "Yes, Mother has that." On to the second one--and again, "Mother has that." Same with the third...and the fourth...and so on...all the way to the end.

All eight. She has all eight. That shouldn't surprise me; but to tell you the truth, there are still times when I wonder, "Is she really so bad off? Has it really progressed so much? Is her behavior really so abnormal? After all, it's typical for older people to have some memory problems...and she's still basically functional...and...and..."

But then I realize that, yes, she certainly has the disease; and even though her progression (which is really a regression) is mercifully slow, and even though she (and we) have learned to compensate in so many ways for her failing mind, she still has it.

And always will.

Until the end, whenever that may be.

How I long for heaven and the restoration she will enjoy when she gets to that perfect place!

It Used to Be...

...that my mother would occasionally cook Sunday dinner for us and have our family down to eat with them. Living on the same piece of property gives us the advantage of easily sharing mealtimes! And so, it's our custom for my parents to eat dinner with us every day, unless we or they have something else scheduled that takes us away from that time with each other. I'm continually grateful for the privilege of having all of us gathered around our table, and I dread the day when a plate gets taken away and a spot remains empty.

I guess it was about four or five years ago, when I only had two children and Mother was more capable of fixing an entire meal, that we would join them at their house for lunch after church. I'm not sure exactly when it stopped. When was the last time? Clearly, I had no idea at the time that it would be the last time. It was one of those things that we outgrew, so to speak, probably precipitated by me having another baby...and then another baby...and it was just easier for us to eat here in my house where we had baby supplies and a high chair and a crib for when the baby got tired and sippy cups and plenty of plastic plates and...

This makes me think of the children's book by Karen Kingsbury, Let Me Hold You Longer. I don't have that book, partly because it's the kind of book that I can't make it through without crying! But, as I understand it, the premise of the book is that we notice and celebrate the "firsts" of childhood, but how many "lasts" go by unnoticed and unappreciated...

...until one day, you sit down at your computer and you realize that it's been years since your mother cooked Sunday dinner for you and you know in your heart that she'll never do it again. And your heart aches from the memory of it all, and you wish fervently that you could go back in time and appreciate it all a little more. You'd sit at your mother's table a little longer. You'd chew your food more slowly and savor the taste of her wonderful home-cooking. You'd memorize the look and sound and smell of those Sundays in her kitchen. You wouldn't rush up the hill to put the baby in bed for his nap. You would have said "thank you" one more time and given your mother a hug before slipping out the door. You would have made sure she knew how deeply you treasured those times.

If only you had known...